So how did we end up here?

Okay so I'm here again. Maybe it will last for the summer. 

Why? 

I don't know. A friend encouraged me to try it again and there were a lot of good points made at the time, which to be honest, I can't really remember right now. Something about the fact that when I blogged the first time, I was helping people. I was entertaining people. I was real and I was myself, I was honest and there needs to be more of that on the internet and I agree. 

Y'all I look back on these posts (and trust me...one can do that for hours....) and I have so many fond memories. But I also look back on these posts and realize, I really only posted the good. Sure the focus was mainly my kids, and mostly, my kids are really really good.. I mean sure sometimes I vented or I shared a mess but for the most part, I didn't share the ''mom fails". And trust me, while none of them were major, there were a lot of them. 

One of the absolute best parts of being a mom in her 30's (with other mom friends who are in their 30's and 40's) is that I no longer care what other people think of me, or my parenting. As a young mom, I got judged a lot. When you are 26 and you have four kids under the age of 5, people constantly would say things like:

-"You do know what's causing that, right?"

-"Are they all yours?"

-"Do they have the same dad?"

-"Do you even work?"

And in my 20's I was so damn busy trying to prove to them, my husband and ultimately to myself (imposter syndrome is real) that I was a good mom despite my age, that there wasn't any room for me to be Shannon. 

But, there was this magical transition that happened when all four were in school: there was time for me. Seven hours a day where I was still a mom, but I didn't have my kids with me. Seven hours where I could grocery shop, clean, pee, run errands, take a nap, workout/do yoga, go with a friend for coffee, get a tattoo (or 6), go swimming. Seven hours a day where it was quiet. Where I could think about my life goals. Think about..."What's next?" 

I was 33, I wasn't happy in my marriage and I gave myself all these reasons...kids being in school is an adjustment, he works all day and I don't, if we weren't so stressed about money, if he would get help for some of his own struggles, if i was just better at cooking/cleaning/insert anything right here...then things would be better, right? 

So I started counseling. And trust me, I was one of those people who was going 1-2 times a WEEK when I started. I started anxiety meds. I started yoga and walking daily. A big common theme of my therapy was that I could control my own actions (choices) and reactions to others peoples choices, but that I couldn't help someone who doesn't want help. Also, idk if you knew this BUT you can't pour from an empty cup. And I was running on E. So, with my therapist I made this time line of things that were going to happen whether I wanted them or not....me turning 35, kids starting to drive, kids graduating college, and thinking what would I be doing that entire time? If I wanted to go back to school, when would it best fit in the timeline? Who was going to help me? Well, the answer is = me. If no one knows you're struggling, then no one can help you. Period. 

While I loved being at home, I needed to do something for me. I enrolled in college to finish my own degree. At the time I thought, "hey this might even help my marriage--dual income would be nice and ease some of the stress that comes with raising a big family". Ya'll it was hard. I had 44 hours transfer and was put on a plan to graduate in 3.5 years. I chose WGU and wholeheartedly recommend them to anyone in a similar busy-mom, middle-age, self-directed, situation. I also busted my ass to graduate a term early that I had expected. While the best laid plans are great, ultimately I ended up divorced before I ever graduated. But guess what? Spoiler alert: I still did it! 

As I type this right now, its a Tuesday after Memorial Day. My kids are with their dad. I am still teaching, just finished my second year in first grade, however the last day of school was last Friday.  I am officially on summer break! While it is still often extremely hard for me to be away from the kids for days at a time, we are all doing better about it. I use this time to relax, force self care. In January I went to Mexico (for the first time!) with a bestie. Since Friday I have started and finished 3 books. I have spent hours at the pool. I have deep conditioned my hair, I've gone on walks. I've taken a bubble bath and been in bed by 10 most nights! I have recently learned how to use a table saw, a router saw, I own power tools and have projects in mind that I want to make. I have gone to dinner with friends, I've emptied my old classroom and started on my new one: I'm moving to Fourth Grade as a ELAR teacher and I literally could not be any more excited. 

So to any mom who might be reading this, exhausted and wondering if it ever gets any better. When do you get to be {NAME} and not just so-so's wife, mom, mama, mommy --- it does get better, but you have to put in the effort of prioritizing your needs too. No one can do that for you!