why?

since announcing to the world (okay okay, my 11 blog followers) and a few people in real life that we are trying to conceive baby numero four, everyone has an opinion. which i expected. we're all human and i'm not at all upset that people have their opinions. but what surprised me is that for every person who has said "great! go for it!" there has been one that responded "why would you want four kids?" or "do you know how expensive that many kids will be?" while i don't think they are trying to be rude, and while they wish us luck i think they assume that we haven't thought this through. and i'm pretty sure that my expression could best be described as stunned.

i cannot even fathom as to why people would not want lots of kids. i'm not judging in any way, i just can't imagine. my entire life, i've wanted to be a mom. i've always wanted to have four kids. b is one of 6 siblings (well 8 if you count his half sisters) so it's normal to him. even before we had our own kids, i wanted to teach kids. when i met b, he was 20 years old and every wednesday night, he babysat for a friend who was a single mom. what 20 year old guy do you know who does that? he just loves babies! i have never questioned a reason to have kids, i just knew that i wanted them in my life, even if they weren't my own.

i guess one of the strongest reasons for wanting another baby, for me, is just that--i want them. i just feel like i have a calling i guess. some people know that they are going to be policemen or a doctor from an early age. i knew that i wanted to be a mom and if i'm blatantly honest, at the risk of sounding vain, i think that i'm pretty damn good at it! now if my current kiddos were defiant, had horrible manners, resisted change, were rude and generally drove me nuts, i would not want another. but they are good kids. no, they are GREAT kids. for being so young, they behave wonderfully. and i get told this daily on our outings. the way they hold my hand so well. the way they say ''please" or "thank you". how quiet they are, even after waiting 40 minutes to see the doctor. while some of this is their personality, i'd like to think that a large part of it are the way in which b and i are raising them.

when i force myself to think exactly as to why i want to have kids, or in this case another child, the list is too long! sure they go from seemingly small reasons like "they're cute" to reasons like "to bring life into the world". you get to raise and nurture and this tiny little person who is so much like you (or your partner) but so unique in their own little way. having a kid is like a tiny little part of you is constantly living outside of your body. what is possibly better than growing a family? what could possibly be a better gift for my boys than a sibling? sure "just" a playmate now but hopefully they will be friends for life! eventually they will become uncles to their brothers kids. they will have and become cousins and second cousins. when else do you an opportunity to make a bond like that?

having a kid, let's you be a kid again too. when else is it perfectly acceptable for a 25 year old to spend the morning watching 'scooby-doo' while curled up on the couch? think of all the wonderful things from your childhood: hide and seek, play-doh, freeze tag, coloring, sledding, saturday morning cartoons, sugary cereal. having kids makes all that perfectly acceptable again :)

having children allows you to see the world in a whole new light. have you ever watched a baby discover something...anything? the excitement in their eyes when when shake a rattle? the huge grin that covers their face when they walk for the first time? what about when those actions are that involve you...how about the amazing feeling you get when your toddler blows you a kiss for the first time. or says ''mommy...i love you"? it's almost indescribable. even words like ''amazing'' don't come close.

yes, i realize that a kiss won't heal everything forever. i realize that at some point, they will complain about hand me downs.  i know that they won't be little forever. sooner than i probably will like they will be in school, then sports. they'll want lunch money and clothes, and we'll be expected to provide that, for FOUR (hopefully!). i will have four teenagers under one roof. i know they will probably eat me out of house and home and complain about everything. i know that it may be hard. i know that there will be days where i look toward the sky and yell "why me!?".

but i also know that each stage of their life, no matter how hard or how wonderful won't last forever. each phase has it's pros and cons. yes the teen years may end up being hell. but when i'm in my fourties/fifties and they start having kids, i think that seeing my first grandchild, will be worth it. when i get to see my kids have kids, suddenly it won't matter that i didn't get more than 6 hours of sleep at a time in the beginning. it won't matter that at one point i had 3 in diapers. or that they drove me crazy as pre-teens and tested my patience throughout their entire childhoods.


i see the light at the end of the tunnel and i'm enjoying every stop along the way, good and bad. and that is why we are trying to have another.