why?

since announcing to the world (okay okay, my 11 blog followers) and a few people in real life that we are trying to conceive baby numero four, everyone has an opinion. which i expected. we're all human and i'm not at all upset that people have their opinions. but what surprised me is that for every person who has said "great! go for it!" there has been one that responded "why would you want four kids?" or "do you know how expensive that many kids will be?" while i don't think they are trying to be rude, and while they wish us luck i think they assume that we haven't thought this through. and i'm pretty sure that my expression could best be described as stunned.

i cannot even fathom as to why people would not want lots of kids. i'm not judging in any way, i just can't imagine. my entire life, i've wanted to be a mom. i've always wanted to have four kids. b is one of 6 siblings (well 8 if you count his half sisters) so it's normal to him. even before we had our own kids, i wanted to teach kids. when i met b, he was 20 years old and every wednesday night, he babysat for a friend who was a single mom. what 20 year old guy do you know who does that? he just loves babies! i have never questioned a reason to have kids, i just knew that i wanted them in my life, even if they weren't my own.

i guess one of the strongest reasons for wanting another baby, for me, is just that--i want them. i just feel like i have a calling i guess. some people know that they are going to be policemen or a doctor from an early age. i knew that i wanted to be a mom and if i'm blatantly honest, at the risk of sounding vain, i think that i'm pretty damn good at it! now if my current kiddos were defiant, had horrible manners, resisted change, were rude and generally drove me nuts, i would not want another. but they are good kids. no, they are GREAT kids. for being so young, they behave wonderfully. and i get told this daily on our outings. the way they hold my hand so well. the way they say ''please" or "thank you". how quiet they are, even after waiting 40 minutes to see the doctor. while some of this is their personality, i'd like to think that a large part of it are the way in which b and i are raising them.

when i force myself to think exactly as to why i want to have kids, or in this case another child, the list is too long! sure they go from seemingly small reasons like "they're cute" to reasons like "to bring life into the world". you get to raise and nurture and this tiny little person who is so much like you (or your partner) but so unique in their own little way. having a kid is like a tiny little part of you is constantly living outside of your body. what is possibly better than growing a family? what could possibly be a better gift for my boys than a sibling? sure "just" a playmate now but hopefully they will be friends for life! eventually they will become uncles to their brothers kids. they will have and become cousins and second cousins. when else do you an opportunity to make a bond like that?

having a kid, let's you be a kid again too. when else is it perfectly acceptable for a 25 year old to spend the morning watching 'scooby-doo' while curled up on the couch? think of all the wonderful things from your childhood: hide and seek, play-doh, freeze tag, coloring, sledding, saturday morning cartoons, sugary cereal. having kids makes all that perfectly acceptable again :)

having children allows you to see the world in a whole new light. have you ever watched a baby discover something...anything? the excitement in their eyes when when shake a rattle? the huge grin that covers their face when they walk for the first time? what about when those actions are that involve you...how about the amazing feeling you get when your toddler blows you a kiss for the first time. or says ''mommy...i love you"? it's almost indescribable. even words like ''amazing'' don't come close.

yes, i realize that a kiss won't heal everything forever. i realize that at some point, they will complain about hand me downs.  i know that they won't be little forever. sooner than i probably will like they will be in school, then sports. they'll want lunch money and clothes, and we'll be expected to provide that, for FOUR (hopefully!). i will have four teenagers under one roof. i know they will probably eat me out of house and home and complain about everything. i know that it may be hard. i know that there will be days where i look toward the sky and yell "why me!?".

but i also know that each stage of their life, no matter how hard or how wonderful won't last forever. each phase has it's pros and cons. yes the teen years may end up being hell. but when i'm in my fourties/fifties and they start having kids, i think that seeing my first grandchild, will be worth it. when i get to see my kids have kids, suddenly it won't matter that i didn't get more than 6 hours of sleep at a time in the beginning. it won't matter that at one point i had 3 in diapers. or that they drove me crazy as pre-teens and tested my patience throughout their entire childhoods.


i see the light at the end of the tunnel and i'm enjoying every stop along the way, good and bad. and that is why we are trying to have another.

in a blogging funk

the last couple of days i've just kinda been in a blogging funk. i'm tired. i figure i'll just write all the crap i'm thinking in my head and call it a post. today i had to go in for blood work to see if my cholesterol has gone down any since my last appt. i hope it has. i have really tried to pay attention to what i'm eating. i started using egg whites for my scrambled eggs, eating only whole grain bread, pasta and cereal. i've upped my water, fruit and veggie intake as well as being a little more active. during the time that bubba is at school, pooks, peanut and i walk around places. the mall, walmart, target, the pet store. walk. walk. walk. i've done a few wii workouts,  i've been taking the medicine that dr.s gave me, i just really hope it's down and stays down. i'm 25 years old for pete's sake, lets get this under control. i won't find out until next week though.

i have to take peanut to the doctor in a few minutes, he's wheezing again. he shows no real signs of having an upper respiratory infection (the usual trigger for wheezing) and we've been using the neubulizer for 3 days now--he's still wheezing. i don't know whats up. the only other thing i noticed was a rash on his chin and neck. i thought it was from teething but we shall see. he's getting so big! in the last 2 days he's started blowing kisses, saying 'yes' while shaking his head up and down and saying 'nuh-nuh-nuh' while shaking his head sideways. he insists on walking, hates being carried and gets so mad if i hold my cup for him to take a sip. he wants to do everything and anything lately. the kids all got their haircuts today and they just look so big! i'll try to post pics later. i need to go wake up the kids to go to the doctors. hopefully they aren't too mad!

apparently it's going to rain and soon!

this is what the moon looked like just a few minutes ago. while i knew it was{obviously}a halo around the moon, i googled it to see what exactly this phenomenon was called. yeah, not that exciting as it's called a lunar halo. according to the farmers almanac, it's actually quite common. folklore says "a lunar halo is the precursor of impending unsettled weather, especially during the winter months." or if you've seen the sandra bullock movie ''practical magic'' it means that trouble isn't far behind...

hmmm...a, b or c??

sigh. why me? why can't i just be normal? it's me, venting again. warning: no cute and cuddly pics with this post. in fact, quite the opposite...get ready for bold blogging!

so remember back here when i had to quit nursing peanut because the pain from my endometriosis was severe? remember how doing so was suppose to help me "manage" the pain. yeah well, it's been almost 5 months and guess what is no longer working?

the pill.

the last few weeks, i've been in an increasingly amount of pain. cramps, headaches, sharp stabbing pain that makes me keel over, and despite being on a pill that is suppose to stop my period, i've had three so super heavy that i feel like i'm dying periods. i can't take it anymore. i'm sick of feeling like crap, i'm sick of feeling like my body hates me. i sick of buying "feminine hygenine" products like they are going out of style. i'm just over it.

remember how in my new years resolution post i blogged about having baby fever but b wasn't 100% on board yet? well after many a long talks about it, he's starting to come around. he sees how much pain i am in and knows that i can't hold out forever. the issue has never been whether or not we will have another, but when we will have another. which as it turns out, may end up being sooner rather than later.

today i put a call in to dr. P's office (aka- ob/gyn); i wanted to discuss what my options are as far as managing this pain and what to do about my birth control pill essentially ''not working'' anymore. (don't get me wrong, i haven't gotten pregnant on it but it's not exactly helping me out pain-wise). after talking to his nurse, her talking to dr.P and then her calling me back, there are 2 options--the same 2 options that there have always been.

a)surgery or b)pregnancy.

i could go in for a laproscopic surgery now, scrap away/burn off tissue and be relatively pain-free for maybe six months. or i could opt to have laproscopic surgery to remove my remaining ovary and tube and essentially be sterile and hopefully pain-free (but without the recovery period of a hysterectomy, which would likely come later regardless). or we could try to get pregnant now, have the baby, and then nurse until the pain returns. when the pain returns i would then have the ovary removed and/or hysterectomy rather than going back on the pill.

so given those choices, there is really only one answer.

i'm obviously not going to have my ovary removed right now... we know that we want another kiddo.

given that we do want another kiddo, do i really want to have surgery now and try to get pregnant as the pain returns (in about 3-5mos)? or avoid the surgery completely and just try to get pregnant now...

ding! ding! ding! we have a winner! we had already talked about what changes would/would not be occurring if we had another now. after hearing my options from a medical stand-point, we've decided to go for it!

yes we realize that it may take awhile (or it may happen quite quickly).

yes we realize that our house is not a pop-out camper that is magically going to grow in square feet over the next year. we know that the boys all 3 fit into one bedroom quite nicely AND that they like sharing a room. we are used to having a crib in our room. so if we do get pregnant soon, that gives us 10 months (give or take, hopefully) plus the fact that the baby would co-sleep in our room for a yearish--we're looking at 22months that we could realistically continue living here. is it perfect? no. but it will work. our landlord doesn't raise the rent on existing tenants so financially, it's the smartest solution. will it be cozy? sure. but if growing up in a small house allows me to stay home with the kids, allows us to complete our family, then we'll take it. besides, it only really feels cramped in the winter. the rest of the year we are so close to the park and walking trails that we hardly notice!

so, here's hoping i have good news to share--and soon!

bad hair day

peanut woke up this morning with some interesting hair. it stayed like this all day despite me combing it. twice.

but by dinnertime peanut figured out a way to tame it down all on his own.

yeah, he takes initiative like that. natural born problem solver i say.