one of those days...

warning: this post is long, and is primarily just me journaling. no cute stories or pictures, just me coming to terms with my kids growing up. it is informative and you are more than welcome to read and comment (obviously) but it's not a "FUN!" post, it's a "shannon is rambling, again!" post.

i've learned finally after being a mom of 3 years that a lot of times, the things that we think will be so hard for our little ones, are actually harder on us. i'm going through this right now with breastfeeding peanut.

i have endometriosis. if you really want to read about it you can but basically it's a reproductive disorder that causes a ton of issues; the biggest issue for me, is pelvic pain. it used to be just during certain times in my cycles but lately, it's damn near constant.

i'm not talking menstrual cramps or gastrointestinal issues, ahem. i'm talking about something that feels like someone is sticking a 10 inch long knife through your abdomen and into your ovary. i've had ovarian cysts. (hell i have one now!) i've had 5 surgeries because of endometriosis and ovarian cysts, the last resulting in the removal of my left ovary and tube (a salpingo-oophorectomy if you wanted to know) shortly after i had pooks.

the usual ''solution'' to endometriosis in otherwise healthy, young patients is to manage the pain. there is no treatment. because it is caused by your period, and you get a period every month--every month the tissue builds up, thus causing more pain. so to manage this pain you are put on birth control pills. you take the pills continuously for 4-9 months at a time, without a week off. thus reducing the amount of periods you have and theoretically your pain.

i've been on said pills since i was 16 for this reason and yet, i've still had 5 surgeries. figure that one out, huh?

other solutions are hormone injections, hysterectomies, menopause, and tada!: pregnancy. i've been virtually pain free for three years because i've been pregnant or nursing for over 3 years. nursing pauses your periods so yep, it can help with the pain too.

but peanut is on solids now. he's nursing less and less now and as a result, i'm in pain again. i've been managing since may without any BCP and only using Motrin for pain. but i can't anymore. it's just now working and i have to be able to function without crying, to raise three boys.

so Dr. P and i have had many a talks and for right now, we've decided to put me back on birth control pills. there really isn't any other options right now. i can't have a hysterectomy because a) we're not sure we're totally done having kids, b) i would have to be on hormones for the rest of my life, c) i would have to quit nursing peanut, and d) it's like a 6 week long recovery period with a weight restriction.

i've already (unsuccessfully) tried injections (it caused ovarian cysts for me), i've already had five surgeries to go in and cut out/burn off the tissue...every surgery also causes scar tissue build up so it's getting to be counter-productive.

last option is birth control pills. again. i hate BCPs. the hormones, the headaches, the acne and sometimes weight gain. but my biggest reason for HATING birth control pills right now? the reason i haven't already gone back on them since giving birth 9 months ago?

they DRASTICALLY effect milk supply. they pretty much dry up breastmilk. peanut is my third baby but he is my first good nurser. he really enjoys nursing and cuddling and for the longest time, he wouldn't even take a bottle or sippy cup.

so naturally i was extremely hesitant to go on something knowing that it would jeopardize that. well the pain is unbearable i just want to curl up and cry. i went back on the pill last week. at first, i thought we could fight it. he didn't seem bothered by it. i've upped my water intake, i'm eating oatmeal and nursing whenever he wants. anything to keep my supply up. over the week i gradually started "topping him off" with formula after we finished nursing. he would nurse but fuss and cry afterward but give the kid 4oz of formula and he was happy as a clam. okay, i can supplement. he seems okay with it. and we were still nursing at night.

today, he's had more formula than breastmilk. when he shows his "i'm starving" clues, i try to nurse. but after about 1 minute he's had enough. or rather, not enough.

i keep trying to tell myself that peanut is fine. he's happy, he's healthy, he likes the bottle...okay, okay he kind of loves his bottle. he's doing great. as hard as i thought peanut would take it, he's doing great. better than great. he's sleeping better at night, he's in a better mood during the day and he's doing great at night. honestly, i think he's even gained weight since last week! the kid is heavy!!

i however, am a mess.

i know that a good majority of it is because of the pill. it makes me a hormonal biatch, and i'll be the first to admit that. but i didn't think i'd take it this hard. i feel like my baby is growing up way too fast. he ate spaghetti the other day. his 1st birthday is less than 3 months away. and now, he doesn't want to nurse anymore. that was our thing, the one thing that B couldn't do. each night i get to retreat upstairs and snuggle and cuddle while he nurses at bedtime. but i know that's going to go soon. while (so far) he still likes/wants his nighttime snuggle i can imagine it won't be the same if we're not nursing.it's a lot to handle! i'm tired, still in pain, and emotional. i'm just having one of those days.